A Date with Botox

Have you ever wondered what it’s like to go on a date with Botox? I didn’t either … at first. It’s a toxin afterall and we spend most of our adult lives trying to avoid tox-ic relationships. But hear me out because I was skeptical too. Botox has been on the scene (legally anyway) since 1989. Like most of us when we first start out, he had a very stringent list of must-haves - mostly involving the eyes. And while eyes are the window to the soul, you need more than pretty eyes for a relationship to be successful. So it was back to the drawing board to see if he could broaden his appeal.

It took him a little time to reassess how he wanted to present himself - 13 more years to be exact - before becoming the catch he is today. Now, he’s refined. He’s experienced. He won’t keep you up at night worrying if he’s going to come through for you. His dating goals are to make his partner look and feel more youthful. And honestly, who wouldn’t want their partner to give them a confidence boost?

After thoroughly scouring the internet for dirt on Botox, you begrudgingly agree to go on a date. A few of your friends already have, and they rave about the experience. You love your friends, but you’ve also been around for other questionable life choices of theirs *cough* I’m looking at you St Ives Apricot Face Scrub. On the flip side, knowing someone who has dated Botox is still a better endorsement than someone who's never met him at all. Right?

“On the flip side, knowing someone who has dated Botox is still a better endorsement than someone who’s never met him at all. Right?”

Oh, before we go on, there’s a few things I forgot to mention. There’s some ground rules to be aware of before you go on your first date. One of the big ones is no pre-gaming with wine. Fun for football games, not so much for your date with Botox. He wants you alcohol-free, to optimize the experience. Botox also prefers dates during the day. If your date is too late at night, be prepared to stay up even later - like 3 more hours!

The ground rules seem reasonable, so you decide to meet Botox for lunch. But he brings a friend. Weird. You quickly realize this friend isn’t trying to crash your date, but is more of a facilitator. This friend clearly is the hype man for Botox. Knows his nuances, knows his habits, and wants to make sure your date is optimized and customized for the kind of date you want to have. 

So you chat with this friend about your hesitations. You also decide to cut to the chase and tell the friend what you’re hoping to get out of the relationship. You don’t want to change who you are for Botox. You like yourself and don’t need Botox. But it would be amazing to have a partnership where Botox enhances you and brings out your best side. 

The friend agrees with you 100%. After all this friend seems reasonable, normal, and also really seems to know Botox well. This friend has also dated Botox - gasp - for 6 years! She’s also dated his friend Dysport, but we’ll get into that another time. But after 6 years, she’s still not sick of him. Maybe there is something you didn’t know you were missing?

This date is becoming a little more enjoyable now. Some of those first date jitters are gone - and you have his friend to thank for that. Now that you've chatted for a bit and broken the ice, it’s time to order. But you have no idea what to pick! You know what your friends ordered, but they each got something different. Were you supposed to pick ahead of time? You called ahead and asked, but you weren’t given specifics; just a general idea of what the options could be. 

Luckily Botox’s friend is there to guide you and make suggestions. See this friend took little pieces of information from your discussion, watched your mannerisms and expressions as you spoke, listened to your concerns, and then based on all that, came up with a great choice for you! Phew. The friend’s choice seems reasonable. It’s not the most expensive item on the menu, but it will leave you feeling satisfied. And the good news is you can always come back and try a little more on your next date.

Now your actual date with Botox is coming to an end. But he’s not ready to leave you yet. A handful of days after your date, you start to think about him. You notice in the mirror you look a little more refreshed. Two weeks later, you’re feeling great! Your friends seem to think you look more rested, even though you haven’t slept more. When you’re on your zoom calls, you don’t look as angry as you used to. Could this be what your friends were raving about? Is this what happens after a date with Botox?

He leaves a little reminder that you’re supposed to see him again in 2 weeks if you weren’t completely satisfied with your first date, otherwise you’ll see him again in 3 months. We forgot to mention that’s another one of his stipulations. Too much of a good thing can spoil the fun, so you’re only allowed to see him every 3 to 4 months. Afterall, he’s a busy guy. It may be a turn off for some, but Botox goes on about 3 million dates a year! Sheesh. 

“He leaves a little reminder that your’e supposed to see him again in 2 weeks…”

Fast forward to it being two months after your first date. You start to notice you’re beginning to miss Botox. But you remember something in the stipulations about waiting 3 months to see him again. You don’t want to bother him, so you message his friend. She reassures you that right around now, you’ll start to miss Botox, but that’s normal. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Think about it. If you like someone, wouldn’t you rather go for a long dinner date once in a while over grabbing a quick cup of coffee more often?

It’s now been 3 months. You cannot wait to go on another date with Botox!! When you arrive, you eagerly show his friend a photo you took a few weeks ago. You’re amazed by how much more refreshed you look and it’s only been one date. Imagine how you’ll be feeling after four. Now you don’t want to stop dating Botox. Even though you might be date number 3,000,001 this year, aren’t we all relieved when we find a good match that makes us the best version of ourselves?